Grief and Alzheimer’s: How to Help Your Senior Loved One Cope with the Loss of Their Spouse

Alzheimer’s is a terrifying disease that affects approximately 44 million people worldwide. As the Baby Boomer generation continues to age, the fact that Alzheimer’s remains so common is truly heartbreaking.

In fact, if you’re reading this, you probably already know what it’s like to care for a senior with Alzheimer’s. At some point, you’ll most likely be faced with the task of informing your loved one of the death of their spouse and helping them cope. 

As difficult as that would be under regular circumstances, Alzheimer’s makes it harder still because its symptoms usually include “...the difficulty of reasoning and thinking, gradual memory loss, and deteriorating communication skills,” according to Dr. Michael Chua. 

That’s why it’s more important than ever that you respond with patience and compassion as you help them through this difficult time.

How to Help Your Senior Loved One Cope with the Loss of Their Spouse

Understanding Grief

You may have heard that grief has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, what’s not as commonly known is that these “stages” don’t have to be experienced in any particular order.

They might overlap for one person, or a stage might be completely missing for another. According to Psychology Today, your loved one’s grief might look very different from yours, so don’t enter into this expecting a specific response.

Instead, comfort your loved one and let them know you care. For instance, when Sheryl Sandberg’s husband unexpectedly died, she told her grieving children during his funeral, “We will live through this. It can only get better from here.” 

It can be difficult to accept but if your loved one is having serious, persistent problems with their memory, you might have to inform them of the passing of a loved one more than once.

For instance, author Carol Bursack says of her mother, “It was excruciating to have to tell her on a daily basis that her husband was dead. 

She experienced the same degree of shock and heartbreak over and over again.” However, the news can sink in over time, and informing a loved one of their spouse’s death can provide a crucial opportunity to mourn a great loss.

Likewise, even as you comfort a loved one with Alzheimer’s, understand that as a caregiver you may be going through these stages of grief as well. After all, you may feel that Alzheimer’s has robbed you of the person you once knew, which makes it even harder to help them through their period of grief.

This feeling is perfectly reasonable and you deserve the same patience and understanding you are trying to give your loved one.

Extend Your Hand Through the Fog

Offer a hug, listen to what your loved one has to say, show compassion, and listen. These simple steps can actually go a long way in helping your loved one find healing on the other side of their grief.

Human connection researcher Brene Brown agrees, saying funerals are “one of the most powerful examples of collective pain.” Our presence at a funeral not only helps us process grief; Brown says it also shows our loved ones that they can trust us to show up when they need us most. 

Beyond simply attending the funeral, you could go a step further by helping with arrangements, contributing money towards burial or cremation costs, arranging an end of life celebration, or helping with transportation of the remains.

These are just a few ways you can help your loved one cope with loss by taking on the emotional challenges that come with carrying out final arrangements.

You may also help go over the will and other legal documents, delegate life insurance duties, and manage any conflicts that might arise within the family. This is especially important if the surviving spouse wants to sell the house and move elsewhere.

You’ll want to first get an idea of how much the current house is worth, as this will determine the rest of the process, including coming up with a moving budget and knowing how much mortgage you can afford for the new place.

If needed, consider working with a family therapist and/or grief counselor to help your family through this difficult time. Helping a loved one cope with the loss of a spouse is one of the most difficult tasks we face as caregivers, regardless of whether or not our loved one has Alzheimer’s. 

Know that every situation is unique and you are capable of making the best possible decision for your family. Although it won’t be an easy process, it will ultimately be very rewarding.

Helping your loved one cope will also help you process your own grief and emotions, creating a powerful way for you to heal together as a family.

The condition can be severe enough to obstruct the sufferer’s daily life. Dementia occurs when the brain cells stop working as they should, affecting the person’s ability to think, remember, and communicate.

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